Romans 12:17-18 says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Although it is not always possible to achieve peace with everyone, we can achieve peace through the gift of reconciliation. Matthew 28 talks about this when he says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there at the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Reconciliation is the final step in resolving conflict. While we are all called to offer forgiveness to those who have hurt them, reconciliation is a way to mend relationships and rebuild trust. Yet, people often don’t reconcile themselves to each other. Matthew compares reconciliation to being able to take an offering to the altar. A person should examine their hearts. If they have something against their brother, they should not even have communion before reconciling with that person. Although a person cannot control another person’s behavior, they can reach out and seek reconciliation when appropriate.
Ways to achieve reconciliation with loved ones
Accept Responsibility- Both parties have something to do with the conflict. Whether it’s directly inflicting pain onto the other person or reacting negatively to someone else’s hurt, conflict does not arise by one person only. Both parties must take responsibility for their part in the conflict. Assuming responsibility requires humility. Both parties must accept that they could have said or done something differently.
Even if a person is projecting their hurt onto someone else, their reaction to it is equally as important. If the person reacts negatively to someone else’s projection, repairing the relationship is not helpful. When both parties accept their part and their relationship, it diffuses resentment that accompanies that conflict. Both parties concede that the other person assumes responsibility, which helps him move on from the situation.
Name the Offense- Sometimes, people get around an apology when they give a generic apology rather than naming the offense. Naming the offense helps the other person correct any misinformation or false perceptions based on the conflict. Conflict results when both parties misperceive a situation or falsely perceive another person’s reaction. When one person names the offense, the other person can speak about the problem and tell them if that is correct.
This is helpful when there is childhood abuse or trauma that needs to be addressed. Adult children may still be dealing with issues from their past. Parents may or may not acknowledge that abuse, creating additional issues. Children may have trouble reconciling with their parents. Allowing their parents to dispense advice may also be difficult.
Correcting misguided information is helpful because both parties can get clarity on exactly what the offense was so that each person knows what responsibility they can assume. Naming the offense helps both parent and child pinpoint what they are angry about. One person might be angry about one part of the situation. At the same time, another party may be angry until another party names the offense so both parties can understand exactly how one person views the situation from their viewpoint. This helps both parties gain closure on any issues with which they need to move forward or ask for—or extend—forgiveness.
Make Them Feel Valued- Conflict can also arise because one person doesn’t feel valued in the relationship. This is difficult in a parent child relationship. A child still wants validation from their parents. Parents may have difficulty letting go of their parental responsibility. This causes conflict between parent and child. Parents assert their dominance to hold on to their authority. Children seek to usurp their parents’ dominance. This causes tension and strife in an already tense relationship.
This conflict can be for a myriad of reasons. Some of those reasons may involve the other party; some may not. However, the other party’s responsibility is to demonstrate appreciation and value for the person in the relationship. Have each party affirm the other with the reasons why they value that person and the relationship. The relationship can go astray if the person feels unvalued or unappreciated. By making the child feel valued, it will propel them to be the best parents they can be to their children.
A person who feels valued may want to fight to resolve the conflict rather than hold a grudge. Jesus spoke words of encouragement to his people. Many people felt valued and appreciated in his presence. They felt their sin did not supersede who they were as people. In the same way, people want to feel that way in another person’s presence. Christians want to show appreciation and value to others by telling them exactly what they like about them or why it is essential to remain in the relationship.
Additionally, adult children want to achieve independence from their parents. Treat adult children as adults. However, parents sometimes find this difficult. Parents who don’t want to value their children will allow them to make decisions apart from them. Although a child may still want to ask a parent for advice, a parent should hesitate to offer advice unless asked.
When a child asks a parent for advice, they tell them what they would do. However, they would want to leave the decision up to the child. The child might also want to feel they can make that decision without fear of rejection or humiliation if it’s incorrect. Parents make mistakes as they navigate their world. The same is for adult children. Children will make mistakes just as their parents did. However, they can allow a parent to weigh in on the situation and see if the parent can help them make decisions that will keep them out of harm’s way but still allow them to achieve the independence they crave.
Create Action Steps– The last important part of resolving conflict is creating action steps so neither party becomes embroiled in conflict again. Christians are responsible for determining the source of that conflict and for preventing that conflict from happening again. Each party needs to learn from their mistakes to correct their communication and use active listening. Doing these steps will not only help resolve the conflict, but also prevent the conflict from happening again.
For example, if a child doesn’t feel like a parent trusts them when it comes to raising their grandchildren, both parent and child need to develop action steps so that the parent can still be in the grandchild’s life but keep their opinions to themselves. The parent must promise they will not weigh in on the situation and allow the child to make their own decisions. A child promises not to ask for advice unless they promise to follow it.
By coming to this mutual agreement, both parents will understand the expectations of the other. Conflict sometimes arises because neither party understands each other’s expectations. Communicate expectations so both parent and child feel valued as individuals. This boost to their self-esteem will help them navigate the relationship between parent and adult child.
Conflict is complex, especially for parents and children. Parents still want to be in a child’s life, while the adult child wants to feel independent and make their own decisions apart from their parents. When both parties can understand where the other person is coming from, accept responsibility, create some action steps to avoid conflict, and appreciate each other, parents and children can navigate the relationship in a way that values each person but also allows for independent thinking and decision making that together can allow for rich and rewarding relationships.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. She is a regular contributor for ibelieve.com and crosswalk.com and is a movie reviewer for Movieguide Magazine. She also is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog, Cookie. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
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