The Centrality Of The Gospel In Marriage Part 3

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THE GOSPEL PATTERN OF MARRIAGE

The pattern of 1 John 4:19 (“We love because he first loved us”) can be applied to many other fruits of the gospel as they impact our marriages. Consider these examples:

• Because of the gospel, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”(Romans 8:1). I do not need to live in fear of condemnation, defending myself if I detect any real or even imagined criticism from my spouse. I am “safe” from condemnation not because of my own perceived goodness, but because of the sure, unshakeable work of Jesus Christ on my behalf. The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage will be one free of fear-driven or pride-driven defensiveness. Also, my converted spouse is also free from condemnation. If the perfectly holy God no longer condemns my spouse, why would I? The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one free from words, attitudes and actions of condemnation painfully shot at one another. Instead, perceived sins in one another’s lives can be graciously dealt with within the “safety” of the gospel without fear of condemnation.
• Because of the gospel, I recognize that the greatest problem in my marriage is me and my sinfulness. “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost” (1 Timothy 1:15). Owning this truth as “trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance” leads me to see that my greatest problem in marriage is not my spouse and my feeling that she/he is not meeting “my needs,” it’s my own sinfulness. Believing this shapes my approach to problems in our marriage, leading me to suspect my own heart first as a primary cause of the problem we are facing. “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (James 4:1). Owning that my own sin is my primary concern in marriage conflict will lead me to evaluate and seek to extricate the “log” in my own eye before attempting surgery on the speck in my spouse’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
• Because of the gospel, “we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7). The pattern of a gospel-centered marriage is one in which a forgiven husband and a forgiven wife are “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). “When I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me” (Harvey, 41). “Forgiven sinners forgive sin” (Harvey, 100), even when granting that forgiveness is costly, leading me to absorb the consequences of my spouse’s sin, even as Christ absorbed the consequences of mine.
• Because of the gospel, I have experienced the mercy and kindness of my Savior. “Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4). Now, as a fruit of the Spirit working in my life (Galatians 5:22), I can, in turn, show my spouse Christlike mercy and kindness as well.
• Because of the gospel, I have been accepted by Christ. In turn, I can accept my spouse as he/she is, not demanding certain changes to “earn” my acceptance (Romans 15:7).
• Because of the gospel, I have experienced the “perfect patience” of Jesus Christ (1 Timothy 1:16). In turn, I can live “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another [my wife/husband] in love” (Ephesians 4:2). “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
• Because of the gospel, Jesus Christ “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). In turn, I can serve my spouse using the gifts and resources that God has graciously given to me for that purpose (1 Peter 4:10). And, as a husband, like “the Perfect Husband,”Jesus Christ, in love I can give myself up for my wife (Ephesians 5:25).
• Because of the gospel, Christ is positively involved in my sanctification (along with the rest of His bride), “so that he can present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:27). As a husband, I can positively “disciple” my wife for her good, applying the gospel to her in a way that aims for her spiritual beauty (Ephesians 5:25-26). She also can be an instrument of the Holy Spirit in seeking my sanctification as she encourages my perseverance in the faith (Hebrews 3:12-13, “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”) and seeks to humbly restore me to spiritual usefulness when I have fallen into sin (“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted,” Galatians 6:1).
• And, because of the gospel, we know that God “loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10). Knowing and relying on this love that God has for us (1 John4:16), we can love one another as husband and wife. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

Discussion Questions

1. If we neglect pursing the centrality of the gospel in our marriages, what will tend to fill that void? What “drives” many marriages? What tends to be common suggested solutions for marriage problems, even in evangelical circles?
2. How can we married people “preach the gospel to ourselves” when we face marriage responsibilities and conflict?
3. How can we “preach the gospel” to our spouses for their encouragement and progress in sanctification?
4. How can we “preach the gospel” to the married couples in our churches?

Recommended resources on Gospel-Centered Marriages:

1. When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey
2. Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci
3. Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church by Larry E. McCall
4. Each for the Other by Bryan and Kathy Chapell

1. D. M. Lloyd-Jones, Life in the Spirit: An Exposition of Ephesians 5:18 to 6:9 (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1973), 184.
2. Harold W. Hoehner, Ephesians: An Exegetical Commentary (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Academic, 2002), 775-776.
3. John Piper, Lionhearted and Lamblike: The Christian Husband as Head, Part 1, Ephesians 5:21-5:33, a sermon preached at Bethlehem Baptist Church of Minneapolis, MN, March 2007.

Larry McCall, the author of Grandparenting with Grace: Living the Gospel with Next Generation as well as Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church and Walking Like Jesus serves as the director of Walking Like Jesus Ministries. Larry was gripped by God’s saving grace at an early age and had the amazing privilege of being discipled by his parents and by other mentors in his home church. In 1975 Larry married Gladine, his sweetheart since high school days. They have three married children and seven much-loved grandchildren. Larry has had the joy of serving on the pastoral team of Christ’s Covenant Church of Winona Lake, Indiana since 1981. He is a graduate of Grace College, Grace Theological Seminary and has a Doctor of Ministry degree from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He gets his batteries charged in serving Christ’s followers through his speaking and writing ministry, helping them see in clear, practical, gospel-centered ways how to pursue Christ and reflect him in daily life.

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