Come When You Can and Stay As Long As You Like

In June of 2018, at our formal dinner called the Green Dragon Ball, my wife and I celebrated the 100th anniversary of the U.S. Army Chemical Corps with 700 others. At our table, we got better acquainted with a chaplain and his wife, who are a few years younger than us. They have a son in college and a daughter still at home. I mentioned that I had written an article several years ago on the subject of parenting young adults. This article that follows was originally published on my blog in September 2010.

Here I am, three weeks into the “Empty Nest” syndrome once again. I took our youngest child back to college on August 20th. Time to reflect a little on that event and others related to it.

It wasn’t nearly as emotional of an event as it was this time last year. It was pretty routine for both he and I. Sure, we had a good summer together, and I was definitely going to miss him, but I honestly wasn’t feeling sad to go home all by myself. I really enjoyed our three-hour drive together, and I was actually quite happy for him. He was where he belonged and was now reunited with his sweetie that he had missed terribly all summer long.

We’ve done this taking our kids back to college thing more than a few times now. In August 2003, my wife took our daughter to Wheaton College for the first time all the way from Utah while I was doing my second unaccompanied tour in the Republic of Korea. I can only imagine how hard that was on her, doing it all by herself. It didn’t surprise me to hear that on the way home she cried anew each time she crossed yet another state line, taking her further and further from her daughter.

When we took her back to school the following year, I was the one struggling and suffering. I’m not kidding. It was very hard on me, daddy saying goodbye to his little girl. What made it even more painful at the time was that the minute we pulled up to the driveway to her dorm, the Christian song, Blessed Be Your Name, was playing on the radio. It was one of those times I knew that the Lord was speaking directly to me through the speakers in our Ford Windstar.

For those who know this song, you may recall these powerful lines, taken from the book of Job:

He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name

Ouch! It was a clear message to me: God gives us our children, and then a mere 18 years later, He takes them away from us so they can go out and do bigger and better things. It is an act of faith as we let go of each one of these precious gifts that He has given.

When we took her back to Wheaton in 2005, it was much easier on all of us, being the third time for my wife and the second time for me.

The next year, it was our son’s turn to go to college. It was pretty hard on both he and his parents, but we got through it, knowing full well that it was the right place for him to be. Time has confirmed that decision to attend William Jewell College, near Kansas City, MO. Miraculously, we got both he and his sister back to their respective schools within two or three days of each other and survived both long drives, six hours one way to the northeast and four hours one way to the northwest.

If I’m counting correctly, the grand total is 11 trips: five for the eldest, four for the middle child, and two for our youngest. We had to take our daughter to start grad school, where she would live in an apartment in downtown Milwaukee. This was another large step of faith for all concerned.

For the past seven years, this has become our life. We say goodbye to them in August, January, and many long summers spent far from home. We say hello on major holidays, when school gets out in May, and a few special visits here and there. You get used to saying goodbye; it does get easier over time. You know you are going to miss them when they leave, but you simply learn to rejoice with those who rejoice. They rejoice because in their minds they are going home, not leaving home. College becomes their home, and that is all right. I know I felt the same way when I was that age.

One last thing to address. 

Our newly married daughter and her husband came home for several days in August, right before school started. We hadn’t seen them since their wedding in March. This was their first trip home. It was great to finally see them interact as a married couple. No conflicts that I can recall, no awkward moments. We did have to tease the new son-in-law upon their arrival about us making up the futon for him to sleep on like he did during his last visit at Christmastime, but it was short-lived; he knew we weren’t serious. We definitely enjoyed our time together, and look forward to the next one.

When discussing the details of this visit with our daughter on the phone a few months earlier, I somehow came up with a very simple saying. “Come when you can and stay as long as you like.” This statement implied a strong desire to see them, and more importantly, a lifting of any burden of pressure, guilt, or expectations on the timing or length of the visit. It was all about respect for them as independent adults and about us honoring the biblical principle of “leaving and cleaving”. They had the freedom to choose when to come and go when it was convenient for them. It meant that this visit was about them graciously sharing their lives as a married couple with us. In gratitude, we would feed them well and would even let them do some laundry if they needed to. If it was a short visit or a long one, that would be their decision to make as a couple. We would be grateful for the time to share our lives with them once again, but their needs would come first.

I used this phrase again when we invited our son and his new fiancée to come home for Labor Day weekend. It seemed appropriate, as he will be moving towards that transition of leaving and cleaving next summer. It was also a great visit. The principle seems to have worked out well with them, too.

We are still learning how to treat our children as adults, but I think we are on to something. The best we can hope for is that they will come back home again, or perhaps, let us visit them at their home next time.

So, it’s back to just my wife and I again.  And with one year under our belts as empty nesters, we are clearly enjoying our time alone together as a couple. The spark is still there! We talk with our kids on the phone at least once a week. Also, we and they send texts and/or post something on Facebook as needed. We rejoice that they are all independent, compassionate, responsible, Christian adults who are making good decisions and have found true love. What more can a parent ask for?

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Russell E. Gehrlein (Master Sergeant, U.S. Army, Retired) is a Christian, husband, father, grandfather, and blogger. He received a B.S. in mathematics from Colorado State University and an M.A. in Biblical Studies from Grand Rapids Theological Seminary. God has given him a unique career journey as a junior/high school math and science teacher, youth pastor, and service in the military. Russ has worked as a Department of the Army civilian at Fort Leonard Wood for the past 13 years. He is an ordinary man whose passion is helping other people experience God’s presence and integrate their Christian faith at work.

His first book, Immanuel Labor – God’s Presence in our Profession is A Biblical, Theological, and Practical Approach to the Doctrine of Work. Russ has written for the NCO Journal, Army Chemical Review, Campus Life, and for the Center for Army Lessons Learned. Russ has been published in Christian blogs and websites such as, Center for Faith & Work at LeTourneau University, Institute for Faith, Work & Economics, Coram Deo, Nashville Institute for Faith + Work, Made to Flourish, 4Word Women, and The Gospel Coalition. His blog, Reflections on Theological Topics of Interest, inspires him to write on a continual basis.