As parents, it is or responsibility to prepare our children for, and monitor closely, their dating relationships.
Our children didn’t date much in high school. And that was just fine with Nancy and me. But many of their friends were dating, and the hookup culture (sexual intercourse before marriage) was common. We wanted to help them save sex for marriage. Next to following Jesus, this was one of our highest priorities. We knew that sex before marriage could seriously limit their ability to achieve God’s best plan for their lives.
When they were young, we read everything James Dobson wrote about how to raise children. One of his principles was to share information with your child regarding relationships and sexuality early, while it was simply information, before their emotions became involved. This practice makes it much easier to have a conversation about personal issues and to become the experts on these matters rather than their friends or culture (TV, movies, media, etc.). We provided age-appropriate materials for them about sexuality, the ones recommended by Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family.
One of the things Dr. Dobson encouraged was to teach your young teenagers about Desmond Morris’s “12 Steps to Intimacy”. Here they are:
1. Eye to body. Initial attraction.
2. Eye to eye. Lingering eye contact.
3. Voice to voice. Chatting in person, on the phone.
4. Hand to hand. Holding hands.
5. Hand to shoulder. Lets others know you are friends.
6. Hand to waist. Shows growing relationship.
7. Face to face. Touching their face, possibly light kissing.
8. Hand to head. Stroking their hair and face, kissing.
9. Hand to body. Touching above the waist.
10. Mouth to body.
11. Touching below the waist.
12. Intercourse.
(Morris, D. (1971). Intimate Behaviour: A Zoologist’s Classic Study of Human Intimacy. New York: Kodansha America, Inc.)
We encouraged our children to go no further than Step 4 until they were adults and were dating the person they planned to marry. Before they went out on a date with someone I would remind them that the person they are going out with may have gone much further in the “steps to intimacy” with other people they had dated than you have. And if the person likes you they may want to go a “step” further than the person they dated previously. I encouraged them that it was their own responsibility to protect themselves from that happening.
In addition, each date had to have a specific plan and once we approved the plan, they were responsible to carry out the plan unless they received our approval for a last-minute change. They knew that “just driving around” would never be approved and that they would lose the privilege to date that person if they didn’t follow through with the approved plan. They each had a cell phone and that if we called, they were to have their phone on and answer our call. High accountability.
You may be thinking that we didn’t trust our kids. You would be correct! We reminded them that to be successful in life you must control the environments you allow yourself to enter. You can avoid temptation by controlling your environment.
To achieve that goal, we didn’t allow them to go to high school parties where kids would drink. This limited how “popular” they could become, since the popular kids went to the parties. But we were OK with that. At parties they would face the temptations that a high school kid does not typically resist: drinking, drugs and casual sex.
We did not allow our kids to attend “sleep overs.” We felt that it was our responsibility to control the environments that our kids entered. Those goals were not achievable at sleepovers.
We controlled the media that our kids experienced including TV, movies, music, magazines, etc. We were committed to resisting anything in the culture that would influence our children in a negative way.
Well, you may be thinking that we kept our kids from having any fun! Not so! By cutting out the things that were negative, we had more time for everything that was positive: meals at home as a family, going out to eat on Friday nights, church, Campus Life events, Campus Life Student Leadership responsibilities, sports practices and games, homework, sleep, and so many more!
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As Executive Director of Mo Hodge Ministries, Mo Hodge resources Pastors and Leaders in the area of leadership development. He enables Pastors and leaders in the following areas: Developing Teams, Church Growth, Church Planting, Discipleship Multiplication, Nonprofit Organizational Management, Multi-site Church Development, Public Speaking, Capital Campaigns, and Sr. Pastor Succession. …
As founding Pastor of The Bridge Community Church, Mo led in the formation (planting) and development of a multi-site church (4 sites) that averaged over 1,700 people weekly. He completed a succession plan at The Bridge Community Church in April, 2018. Website: www.thebridgecc.org.
As the founding Director, Mo led in the formation and development of a Youth for Christ chapter in northeast Indiana. The chapter became one of the top ten chapters in the nation, among 225 at the time. The chapter has expanded into surrounding counties and is now called Big Jaws Youth for Christ (www.bigjawsyfc.org). During tenure was elected by the organization as a Member of the National Board of Youth For Christ/USA (www.yfc.net) and received the Presidential Award for Outstanding Achievement.
Mo and his wife, Nancy, live in Anderson, IN with their children and grandchildren. Though retired, Mo is still active in ministry, preaching, teaching, and planting new churches wherever the Lord leads.
Article and Photo Published With Permission
This is the sort of excellent counsel I should have had twenty seven years ago!